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Barologist 
Posts:23
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| 02/27/2007 10:32 PM |
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| Make me LAUGH! |
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Barologist
Posts:23
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| 12/29/2007 7:52 AM |
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This blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her
When the
The blonde came to the door and the
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits
milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
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Booze Bag
Buzzed
Posts:15
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| 12/30/2007 9:05 PM |
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Frank was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary? His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds - AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Frank got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box, gift-wrapped, in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. |
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Booze Bag
Buzzed
Posts:15
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| 12/30/2007 9:11 PM |
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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between a new girlfriend and a new dog?
After 2 weeks, you still call the dog.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying 'Yo.'
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
AND....LAST BUT NOT LEAST
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit. |
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Hot Sauce
Posts:6
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| 01/30/2008 8:22 PM |
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. Wedecided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenagerhad spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staringevery time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's thematter old man, never doneanything wild in yourlife?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke onhis response; knowing he would have a good one. Andin classic style hedid not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I wasjust wondering if you were my son."
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Hot Sauce
Posts:6
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| 01/30/2008 8:25 PM |
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Why females should avoid girls night out after they are married:
The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. 'I promise!' were my
last words.
Well, the hours passed and the Margaritas went down way too
easy. Around 3:00 a.m. and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness.
(Even when totally smashed ... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals
12 cuckoos .. MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, 'I think we might need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh,shit,' cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.' |
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Snap
Lightweight
Posts:3
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| 02/12/2008 7:50 PM |
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A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you
Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps,
free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican." The man goes on and
encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country
here in America !"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks
further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank
you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not
American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa!"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Am ericans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work |
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bardude
Posts:9
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| 01/06/2009 10:54 AM |
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Only a Mom would know
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough,here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... 
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
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