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A Somalian  arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the  first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you
Mr.  American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps,
free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are  mistaken, I am Mexican." The man goes on and
encounters another passerby. "  Thank you for having such a beautiful country
here in America !"

The  person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks
further,  and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank
you  for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I  am from Middle East , I am not
American!"

He finally sees a  nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No,  I am from Africa!"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all  the Am ericans?"

The African lady checks her watch and  says..."Probably at work

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A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you
have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking . The supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.

"The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,
I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I
can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge"?

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

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1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. 

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, 

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that Crap."

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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

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There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour. Then, this big, troublemaking truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison."

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"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" "But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill. "Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug. So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that—it didn't work."

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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking "Magic Beer," he says.She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer,is it?" "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

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In a recent Harris Online poll, 38,562 men across the U.S. were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

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I was a very happy person.  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.  It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless.  She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts.  It had to be deliberate.  She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.  Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.  I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.  We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

 
 
 

Always keep your condoms in your car!

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A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on
her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back
of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got
there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

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