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Hit Man
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you
mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked
up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window. I can see my wife in the bedroom! Wow I can see
she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...
He's naked, too!!! The b*tch !!!!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" he asked impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
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The Difference between Potentially and Realistically
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what`s the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he`d sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million
dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt!
I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts? "
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, we`re sitting on three million dollars, but realistically,
we`re living with two sluts and a queer."
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Dying Irish Man
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An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't too well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you're dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them bastards sleeping with your mother after I'm gone".
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Boy Sells Toys
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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy -"$750
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for? The boy replies, "$1,000". The father says, "That's terrible to
overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."
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Love Making Italian, French & Redneck style..............
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The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting. When Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body... and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my wiener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling.
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From Ireland
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "
The other guy responds proudly,
"Yes, that I am"
The first guy says, "So am I
And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers,
"I'm from Dublin , I am."
The first guy responds, and so am I
"Sure and begora, And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says,
"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says,
"Faith & it's a small world, so did I.! So did I.
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers,
"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says,
"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers,
"Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims,
"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight"
Vicky asks,
"Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
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